i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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