So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
