I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize