i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
