How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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