K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
