I think my vagina is haunted
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
