some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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