around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We left an ass print on the piano.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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