her vagine was all disorganized.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
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