It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
