I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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