Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
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