did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
