My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
