bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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