PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
