we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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