i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
