I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
