There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize