I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
