I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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