watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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