Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
