ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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