come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
