I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
