I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
