He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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