Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
