I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
