That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize