I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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