she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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