So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
