I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
