That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
