Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The adults are the big ones right?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
