i think i have two assholes
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
