just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
