Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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