if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
