My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
