dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
