Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
