Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
