keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
