11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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