I hate all girls vehemently.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
There r osticjed everywhere
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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