Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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