Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
