everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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