Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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