i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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