im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
