In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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