Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
