Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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