in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
