Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
