Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
not ubering you a puppy
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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