Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
