Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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