He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Boobs speak an international language.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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